The Adventures Of Alan – Alan Hancock: A Year In Review
I’ll be honest with you, I have no milestones to celebrate. It might seem pessimistic but I wrote this year off in January. With my housemate moving out last year and my bills doubling I knew 2019 was always going to be about getting my head down and putting the work in. No complaints though, sometimes hard work is its own reward. So, in lieu of a promotion or career change, I’m going to celebrate some fairly mundane things.
First off, I made it through a whole year living alone without dying. Miracles do happen. Initially, I really embraced living alone. I was excited to expand out into the vacated space and make this house my own but I also began to realise how vulnerable you can be at times. One of the main benefits of living with someone else is that, should you slip in the shower, fall down the stairs or trap yourself in the washing machine (seriously, it happens), someone else is there to either laugh or call an ambulance.
Speaking of which, I rode in an ambulance for the first time this year. I was at the train station, I had what I believed was a heart attack and, in true Brit style, I decided to shamble away from the platform not really knowing what to do about it, pale faced and panicked, toward a member of staff so that if I did collapse, I could do so in an orderly fashion. Thankfully, it wasn’t a heart attack just “a sort of heart spasm” according to the doctor, which I assume means I’m fine.
That is not the only time I’ve “cheated death” this year, however. In June, I was cleaning the bathroom, I inhaled bleach fumes and became worryingly dizzy. In my panic, I Googled bleach inhalation and immediately began learning about all the terrible things that can happen should you ever gas yourself with chlorine. It’s a dense gas apparently so the best thing to do (according to the internet) is stand on your head and exhale to allow the gas to “fall out”. My life was (potentially) on the line so I’m not ashamed to say I did it. Whilst upside down I learned a valuable lesson. Don’t ever Google your medical concerns.
As well as that, I’ve had some fantastic minor successes this year too. I managed to successfully push over 35 trolleys through a crowded car park and into a trolley bay in one swift motion, something which impressed a foyer full of elderly women waiting for their community bus. I managed to get through the year without striking a colleague, although we haven’t yet entered peak Christmas, so hold the champagne corks on that one and I also turned thirty which, as someone who briefly forgot their birthday the year before, may as well have been just another date on the calendar.
Oh, and not forgetting the time I dropped a cheese and onion sandwich, caught it before it hit the floor and put my back out in the process. Believe me when I say I’ve pictured that moment every day since it happened.
You know, I downplayed my accomplishments but actually, it’ll take something pretty special to top this in 2020…
Written by Alan Hancock
Featured image sourced via Unsplash